Trang Tiếu Lâm
05/26/2005
I am sending this to everyone
who sends me email.
One of you sent a virus.
It is a very severe virus.
Look what it did to my mouse.
Subject: Cajun Fishing Story
A Cajun was stopped by a
game warden in
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish".
"Pet fish?"
"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home".
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game
warden for a moment and then said,
"It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay I've GOT to see this!"
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and sttod and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well what?" Said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
The Rules to Marriage Problems
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I
want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
the table unless I tell you that I
won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies
and don't you give me a hard time
about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's
fine with me. Just understand that there will
be sex here at
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As
Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out. After
sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"what took you
so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts
calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready
to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home 'Mother of
six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************************************************
Marriage (Part V)
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need
his
wife to wake him at
me at
The next morning the man woke up, only
to discover it was
Men are not equipped for these kinds of
contests.
5 Corporate Lessons:
Lesson 1: Share critical information pertaining to Credit and Risk. A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" The husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in a timely fashion with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Corporate Lesson 2: Always be well informed An Anglican priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The Priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed toretrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek. Further on, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Corporate Lesson 3: Respect leadership hierarchy wisely A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" Says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Corporate Lesson 4: Know your position in the corporate structure A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the Rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> Corporate Lesson 5: Advancement Strategies A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, After eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bulls**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
" No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
Một nhà nghiên
cứu bên Tây thử nghiệm về sự phản ứng
của giống đực trước giống cái. Ông ta bắt một con ruồi đực
và con ruồi cái nhốt chung vào 1 cái b́nh thủy tinh. Ban
đầu ông thấy mỗi lần con ruồi cái vo ve, con
ruồi đực bực bội t́m cách ra khỏi b́nh.
Sau đó ông chặt hết hai chân trước con ruồi
đực , th́ thấy mỗi lần bị vo ve, con
ruồi đực chỉ nhảy nhót một chỗ.
Cuối cùng, ông thử nghiệm bỏ hết các chân
của con ruồi đực, th́ thấy khi bị con
ruồi cái vo ve cỡ nào , nó cũng nằm yên 1 chỗ,
không phản ứng.
Nhà khoa học đi đến kết luận :
- Khi con ruồi đực bị găy hết các chân, th́
sẽ bi điếc.
- !?!?
* Theo
các nhà khoa học, tế bào thần kinh thị giác của
đàn ông rất kém hoạt động. Chúng hầu như
"vô cảm" trước những h́nh ảnh quen
thuộc. Chẳng hạn, khi có mặt vợ, các chàng
thường không để ư, hay làm như "không
biết ǵ"....
* Nghiên cứu tai của trên 15,000 người đàn ông
đă có gia đ́nh, các nhà khoa học thấy rằng màng
nhĩ của họ rất yếu. Nguyên nhân là do nó
phải rung thường xuyên và hay bị va đập
mạnh. Các nhà khoa học cũng cho biết khả năng
bị điếc khi về già của đàn ông có gia
đ́nh cao gấp... 15 lần những người sống
độc thân....
* Khi nghiên cứu bộ phận này của người
đàn ông đă lập gia đ́nh, các nhà khoa học đă
khám phá ra một điều thú vị là: Hàm răng của
họ thường bị ṃn một bên. Những
người đàn ông này cho biết họ rất hay...
cắn răng khi phải ở nhà.
* Hiện nay, các nhà khoa học đă t́m thấy mối liên
quan giữa nhịp tim và tế bào thần kinh thị giác
ở người đàn ông. Cụ thể là, khi các tế
bào này bị kích thích th́ nhịp tim cũng tăng. Chẳng
hạn, khi nh́n thấy một cô gái xinh đẹp, nhịp
tim của các chàng có thể lên tới 120 lần/phút..
* Các nhà khoa học cho biết khả năng ghi nhớ thông
tin của năo đàn ông rất hạn chế, và phụ
thuộc chặt chẽ vào môi trường xung quanh. Khi
ở nhà, người đàn ông tỏ ra rất nhớ
lời vợ, nhưng khi bước ra khỏi ngơ là các
chàng quên sạch ngay.
Subject: This is why we forward jokes
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir.. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveller asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope.That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?""No,we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind." Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what You get? A forwarded joke.So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and Your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
HEALTH QUESTION
& ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them
on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.
________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your
system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source
of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable products.
________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!
________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. It may allow you six more months in a
nursing home in diapers. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated
in it. How could getting more
vegetables be bad for you?
________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ......
________________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
_______________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food
and diets and remember,
"Life should NOT be
a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one
hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out,
and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Senior
citizens
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different
world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the
moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric
and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .. and uh..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
"You're right. We didn't have
those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit!
What are you doing for the next generation??"
I love senior citizens...
LAST CHILD SUPPORT CHECK!!!
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to your momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'expression on yo mama's face." So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say about that?"She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the expression on your face.
I remember
where I left my hat
O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" O'Leary said, "I got to be honestwith you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat." The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?" O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat." The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell,right?" O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left my hat!"
Nun Story
There are two nuns. One of them is
known as Sister Mathematical (SM)
and the other one is known as Sister
Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the
convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight
and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started
to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this
way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent
and is! worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives...
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he
started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man
with his pants down........
(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness
you heathens!)